Steady State

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now. It has been sitting as a draft on my computer, empty save for the title: Steady State. I am long overdue in updating you--and I have dearly missed writing in this blog. Of course, somehow, I was seized by a fit of inspiration and now at 4:47am seems the right time to get back to writing.

A lot has happened in the past month. It has now been exactly six (6!) weeks since I moved to New York, a full three fortnights. In that time, I have appeared in my debut production, learned how to self-tape an audition, submitted 5+ auditions, learned how to skateboard, carted furniture back from 2/2 NYC IKEAs on buses and subways, ridden the M train to Middle Village (?!), decorated my room, skied in Seattle, taken the A train to JFK and to Columbia, navigated public transit home at 3am, fallen ill to the seasonal flu (no, not COVID), and made a lot of good memories. 

As the list above shows, a lot of my time in the city is spent on the train, and I have taken to a form of bullet journaling on the subway to cope with it all. Honestly, the word "journaling" seems overblown. Really it's just a list of sentences in the Notes app on my phone that I write whenever a strong feeling overtakes me. That's how I'll structure today's blog. A sentence taken from the journal--and then a meditation.

"There's a confidence that comes from riding the subway with the best shoes in the car."

This is the obligatory room update. And I am OVERJOYED to announce that the room is finished! To any causal reader of the blog, it is no small secret that I am obsessed with decorating my room, and now that it's complete, I have an outsized amount of pride about it. (Ask me to show you the progression album on my phone sometime in-person.)

Last we spoke, the room looked like this, and I thought it was mostly complete! I was very proud of my rug, my above bed decor, and my wall art!

Last we spoke it looked like this.

But the discerning viewer will notice a few ugly plugs and cables next to the bed. The sheets on the bed were borrowed from my roommates. And...a fact I was too ashamed to document on camera...the entire back wall was empty. Every day I would wake up and see a blank blue wall, waiting to be filled up.

So I fixed it!

Back wall filled! Fun fact: Below each record is a little handwritten note, inspired by how my local bookstore in Austin does its selected reads. Love you, BookPeople.

 

I also bought a nightstand and a cute lamp

And a cute chair from...you guessed it...FB Marketplace!

Note the purely decorative throw blanket on the bed...I never thought I would stoop so low in the name of color theory.

Currently playing: Collapsed in Sunbeams by Arlo Parks

I described my dream room my first week to some close friends. In the group text we termed it: THE VISION. I dreamed of displaying records on the wall, showing off books that changed my life and that I wanted to lend out. A record player in the corner to pump out tunes I love. I dreamed of a nice rug covering the floor, and art on the walls. It all happened as I imagined, and realized and reified it's a sight I'm incredibly proud of. This is my hope for this year with acting--I want to take my dream and turn it into reality, paso a paso, step by step.

The best part about my beautiful room? I wake up and get to live in it! It gives me confidence here in the city. It's similar to the snooty little ego boost I felt when on the subway that day. Wearing good shoes or a damn-fine outfit makes you feel like you can conquer the world. For me, in this city? Having a room like this makes me feel like I belong.

This is what my shelves look like as of 04/13/21

"I want so badly to will it into being: all of it"

Closing night for Tianamen Requiem, my first show in NYC, was March 27th. What a bittersweet experience. I am so grateful to the director, cast, and crew for letting me be a part of that production. I am running out of words to say thankful, so I hope this suffices. You gave me a chance prove to myself that I could be a professional actor. I needed that, badly. Serendipity smiled upon me to give me that chance two days after moving. And it was a joy.

An incredible cast and an unforgettable show.

 

Another huge thanks is in order for everyone who came out to see the show! Most nights, our show was sold out, and I was consistently astounded by the support a small little show like ours received. I am grateful that you came to see the show and spread the word about it. To my friends who were able to make it out: it means a lot to me that you were able to support me as I took my first steps into this new career. Thank you.

I wrote the title quote towards the tail end of the show, as things were wrapping up and anxiety about what comes next started creeping up. I was auditioning for three film that week, searching for my next project. "I want so badly to will it into being: all of it". After moving to New York, I had found an opportunity so quickly that I didn't know what came after. Talking with other actors, I know now that projects often come in waves--busy months and quiet months. One actor traced a sinusoid in the air as he recounted his last few years of work. I am still working on making the most of the quiet times. 

In the weeks after the show has wrapped, I have gotten more comfortable with the silence. This too, I have learned, is part of the career. I feel a sort of guilt about leaving time aimless, perhaps a byproduct of too much time around high-achievers in school. (Looking meaningfully at you, dear reader.) 

In the quiet, while searching for my next project, I've found so much to keep me fulfilled and busy. I've been making the most of my library card. Finished three books last week, and for once can actually recommend all of them. [N.B. If that sounds interesting to you, follow @john.chan.reads on Instagram for fiction reviews.] I have really enjoyed the daily ritual of heading to the gym, and the freedom of being able to go at 1pm. I am working on setting up my own website, doing my taxes, and learning Mandarin. I am eyeing a few part-time jobs (bartending is a top contender right now). And just like that--my sense of anxiety or boredom or wasted time begins to quiet. There is just so much I want to do in the world. I want so badly to do all of it.

"Sometimes living life is worth it just to write THAT sentence" 

 An unfortunate side effect of reading good fiction is that you end up very emotional. I am getting off the subway, very much feeling and reeling from Min Jin Lee's prose, when this sentence pops into my head. It made me want to write.

I had seen a call for applications to a workshop for screenplays about the Asian American experience. The next day I was stranded in the airport and I had a few hours to kill, so I decided to try and take a stab at writing a script. It was surprisingly easy and...fun! My previous experience with writing fiction was limited to middle school, when I wrote a short story for a school competition. It was like pulling teeth and I was so confused. I love reading--why couldn't I write? 

Ever since then, I've stuck strictly to creative non-fiction: essays, blog posts, criticism. It seemed to come more naturally to me than trying to drape exposition around what I wanted to say. So I was scared when I started writing in the airport. Luckily for me, the core of any good script is good dialogue. Transcribing my characters fighting to be heard, yearning for more, and breaking each others hearts felt as natural as eavesdropping on the next table's conversation. The script was easy. I was elated.

My trackpad and keyboard on my laptop stopped working, so instead of paying Apple to repair it, I packed 10 pounds of peripherals. I was the SUPERVILLAIN of this airport bar/cafe, all wired up.

 

So now I have another fishing rod set out, hoping to hear back from the workshop. Regardless of what I hear though, I have the start of a script kicking around and a realization that maybe writing isn't so impossible after all. It's an exciting feeling. Let's talk soon.

Love,

John

 

P.S. I have an Instagram now! Follow me at @john.chan.acts if you'd like to get notified the next time I get around to writing a blog post. I'll also be using it to document my acting journey here in the city.